Today in Trumpistan

Today, January 26th, our Dear Leader has allowed the Sun to shine and the Clouds that have Lowered upon our Heads to disperse. We’re happy to report that Congress is fast-tracking a bill to declare this day a National Holiday, though some push-back is of course expected from the radical left Democrats, all of whom are Rapists, Pedophiles, and Worse, and who only won their elections due to Massive Corruption and Vote-Rigging. In any case, there is no need to wait for Congress to do its Job. Today, on this Day of Days, we call on all Right-Thinking Americans to strap on their Guns, don their MAGA Hats, and gather together in front of your local chapter of the NAACP to recite the following Hymn of Praise:

Hail, Donald, Full of Grace,
the Lord is with Thee.
Blessed art thou amongst Men
and blessed is the Fruit of thy Enormous Intellect.
Holy Donald, True Son of God,
pray for us Down-Trodden White Americans,
and as for all Others, who are taking our Jobs and Land, hasten their Death.
Amen.

Also, just in:

The WHITE HOUSE (which is White, by the way, not Yellow or Black or Brown) has released a statement:

President-for-Life Trump acknowledges the discomfort that the recent Winter Storm has caused his Fellow Republicans. He Alone (with a little help from His Good Friend God) had created this Storm, which was the Biggest Storm Of All Time, and though it was aimed at Minnesota, some Red States were caught in the Crossfire. He Humbly Acknowledges that not even He could have avoided this, and that anyway it was NOT HIS FAULT. If all True Americans would do their part in encouraging the Radical Left to self-deport to Puerto Rico, he Solemnly Swears that any future Bad Weather will be directed at that stupid Island that is not even a Real State. In token of His Promise that the Real America (which includes Greenland and Canada) will Futurely experience only Good and Sunny Days, He has created a new Phenomenon in the Sky that He is calling a Rainbow. It’s an old-fashioned Word but a Beautiful one, and it is his Gift to all who Praise Him.